I was on a packed train recently, trying (as you do) to block out the noise from the other passengers. At one stop, a bunch of older teenagers got on and, needless to say, the noise level stepped up a notch. The boys were throwing things at each other and the girls were talking non-stop about exams coming up. I also couldn’t help but overhear some cruel remarks about another friend, sitting further down the carriage, and noted the heartbreaking lift of the chin as she tried to laugh it off.
My stop was approaching so I got ready to fight my way past, aiming a small smile in the teens’ direction (don’t antagonise them, I reckon, they don’t like it). Young people today and all that. But as I made my way to the door, one of the girls shyly pointed at my skirt and said “I love your outfit!”
For a moment I was too stunned to reply (I mean, I was wearing my red author beret, but still). I managed to mumble “thank you,” as I got off the train. Walking home (in my lovely outfit) I realised that I really don’t know how to accept a compliment. I either laugh it off or minimise it or disbelieve it entirely. And it turns out, this is really common.
Psychologists have pointed out that in response to a compliment we often deflect, reciprocate or discount. This helps us to cope with an unexpected focus on ourselves. Many of us tend to feel vulnerable in the spotlight so this makes sense. It’s easier to remove the compliment in some way, or place it elsewhere, and then get things back to normal (safely in the shadows, thank you very much).
But what if, in response, we simply said “thank you!” and got on with our day? It sounds tricky, I know, but accepting kind words says a lot about our feelings of self-worth. Maybe it’s true that some days your outfit looks good. Maybe it’s true that someone enjoyed the meal you just cooked. Maybe, just maybe, you’re someone who deserves praise.